Some days the tears are near the surface. Other days I feel like everything is just fine. God has given me more strength than I ever expected to go through the pain and uncertain days as we walk an unknown journey with Zachary. There are days I walk into meetings hurting and just wanting someone to ask a heartfelt "how are you" and really mean it. On those days I long for someone to sit and listen and care. Usually I head home still hurting and feeling like no one knows or realizes what journey we are walking. Is that selfish? I'm not sure. I'm still learning how we as mothers are supposed to share, deal with, and at the same time go on with life when our child is not developing our turning out like we expected he would. Oh, sometimes people do ask how Zachary is, but I can see on there face that they don't really understand what they are asking. Let alone I don't know how to answer. Do they really want to know? Or is that the polite question to ask. I usually see their eyes glaze over if I am honest and start to explain the discouraging doctor visits or Zachary's lack of growth. Then there are those who I walk alongside who have no concept that things are wrong. Or at least that's how it feels.
As I laid in bed overthinking my feelings, God pricked me with His words.
"Focus outward, not inward. Take the opportunity to notice how you are feeling, Jessica, and realize that you are not alone. People are hurting. Others have deep wounds and burdens that they are stuffing deep inside as well. People around you are longing for someone to truly ask 'how are you doing' and mean it. Look outward. Instead of worrying about how you are not being cared for or listened to, look for opportunities to treat others the way you so long to be treated and cared for."
It makes complete sense to me. I bring my weakness and tears to God, and know that is enough. He is my comforter and listens. Now I choose look outward and find people who need a listening and caring ear. This gives me a peace and joy I never expected. Who knows, maybe this is part of the reason God is making us walk a hard journey. To learn how to listen and care for others.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,