It's not my Fault - Fighting the Lies of the Heart

Our minds can play tricks on us, especially when raising children is involved. Add on to that all the responsibilities of raising a special needs child - all the appointments, the extra daily care involved, and especially the interrupted sleep each night and that’s a recipe for a mama meltdown. Well, maybe not always a meltdown but definitely a recipe for feelings of failure, doubt, frustration, and internal blame. 

I’m spending some time unpacking some of the myths I’ve faced as a tired mom of a medically fragile and special needs child. There’s many myths and lies that my weary heart can throw my way. Lies of the enemy that seek to knock me down.

Zachary received his Lowe Syndrome diagnosis when he was almost 3. After that initial phone call from his Genetics doctor explaining the positive test from a skin biopsy confirming the diagnosis, additional appointments were scheduled. At that first appointment in the hospital after his diagnosis, I was tested to see if I was actually a carrier of the Lowe Syndrome defect. A short week later I received the call that I was in fact not a carrier and that Zachary’s syndrome had randomly popped up. I learned I wasn’t genetically responsible for my 4th child’s defects, delays, and difficulties. I felt relief when those results were in - relief I wasn’t to blame.

Unfortunately that’s not the end of the games my heart and mind have tried playing tricks on me. I hear internal accusations that it’s my fault Zachary still can’t walk or is so delayed. 

Phrases swarm my head such as…

“You’re not giving your best as a parent.” 

“You’re not pushing him hard enough.”

“You’re too busy to help him learn to walk.”

“It’s your fault he won’t eat.”

“He won’t grow because of you.”

“You let him crawl too much.”

“You’re not praying for him enough.”

“You need to do more and be more for him.”

As much as these hurtful words seem real and true at the time, when I take a step back and breathe, I realize absolutely none of these lies are true. I know I am doing my best. It’s all I can do. I can’t actually make my child talk, walk, or even comprehend anything. I can’t force him to eat, make him stand, or even insist he call me Mommy. 

We spend time playing, I work on trying to help him learn to walk, I read him books and try to keep his attention on toys that stretch his abilities. But all in all, Zachary is at the the mercy of his harsh syndrome and is in God’s hands.

When I allow myself to step back and rest in Christ, I’ve been reminded again and again not only is this not my fault, but that the best I can do is keep my sweet boy well cared for, stretch his limits when he allows, work alongside wise doctors, pray fervently, and cling to the promises in God’s Word. 

When I fight the lie that I am too weak to be all that Zachary needs I remember Romans 8:26. “the Spirit helps us in our weakness.”

Romans 15:13 says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” I’m here - trying to trust each day, and to be thankful for the blessing of our Heavenly Father’s joy, peace, and hope!

Will reading these truths completely combat my battles inside? Not all the time! Will I wake up tomorrow, head to therapy, and leave frustrated at the slow progress? Probably! Will I begin to hear the lies that it’s my fault? Most likely, yes. 

So I think I’m actually typing and processing these words and Scriptures for my own heart. Because when I wake up tomorrow and doubt all of this is my fault all over again? I’ll combat those lies and claim these promises once again - day in and day out. 

Are you also facing a hard road with your kiddo? Join me in stopping the lies in their tracks. It's not your fault!

-Jessica

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